This morning I thought I would do a bunch of work at home. I was excited to organize my wardrobe, sort through paperwork, accomplish so much that it would be really rewarding when I go to bed tonight.
I just couldn’t get into it. Instead of being able to buckle down and get anything done, I kept pondering what time I should go write my blog. After all, I committed to one a day, so that is an obligation.
It seemed then that I should go write the blog–no matter how much I’ve tried, I don’t get writing done at home, so I knew I’d have to go somewhere else. It would be written, off my plate, off my mind, and I could go home and tend to some of the many tasks awaiting me there like listing items on eBay to earn money for my move to L.A.
There. Good. Decided.
After finally figuring what to wear, and throwing a spare pair of clogs in a bag in case the shoes I had on became uncomfortable, I got out the door.
I walked toward my Subaru with keys in hand, then gave a little chuckle when I remembered it still needs a new clutch. I went over to my sweetheart’s Volvo that he said I could borrow until mine is repaired, and got in.
Heading over to the town next to ours to a coffee shop, I was very aware I was in someone else’s car. To be honest, the seats in his car are a little more comfortable than in mine, plus they’re heated, and it is kind of a nice break driving an automatic for a change. So though it was a pleasant experience driving, I was very aware I was in another person’s vehicle as opposed to mine.
Knowing I was going to be near a Tuesday Morning store, before going to write I decided to run in and pick up some Woolite At-home Dry Cleaner sheets I’d been wanting to get for a couple of weeks. No big deal. Take a minute. If that.
Turns out they didn’t have them. But instead of leaving the store when I found that out, I meandered up and down several aisles. However, it wasn’t long before I began to feel uncomfortable. I presumed it was because I know I have no need, and no money, to be shopping right now. I set down the OPI nail polish I knew I would use maybe once before it would end up in the makeup bag of abandoned polishes, and headed out.
Time to write.
Entering one of my go-to coffee shops, I was disappointed to see none of my favorite spots available. Only a couple of tables were open. Knowing my computer had about two-percent power, I observed neither had an outlet near them. So I turned around and left.
Back in my car, or rather, my sweetheart’s car, I shook off the idea of going home. But yes, it did cross my mind. I just wasn’t feeling ‘it’ when it came to writing. I wasn’t feeling ‘it’ about anything.
Pushing on to another location, the dining section of Whole Foods, I told myself that there I would get something healthier to eat or drink than at a coffee shop anyway.
Turns out, I apparently think a big slice of cheese pizza is better for me.
At least I had a table where I could charge my laptop while I wrote my blog post.
Not certain what today’s blog topic was going to be, as soon as I had eaten my pizza, I tried a couple of different options. Subjects I knew I wanted to write about at some point, topics I wanted to touch on…
However, everything seemed to meander. All my thoughts.
I hadn’t been there that long though, when I felt the whole floor vibrate. I looked over my shoulder to watch as the raised platform section I was seated on was being taken over by a group of young girls wearing soccer uniforms and eating ice cream cones.
Even my headphones couldn’t keep out the distraction as I felt the reverberation from the floor up through my chair. Not wanting to deal with the chaos around me, I packed up my things and left.
Again I contemplated turning toward home.
Since I wanted to run in the grocery store that would definitely have Dryel, the more costly version of dry cleaner sheets, I opted to take care of that errand. Fine, all good. One thing done.
Okay, now really, time to write. This time I mean it.
With the one to-do checked off my list, and back in the car again, I thought about my writing location options.
I leave in two weeks. In about 14 days I will be on the road. That part of my journey will have started. And I have so much to do. I can’t be wasting time doing anything other than getting ready for L.A.
And here I was, struggling to write. Creativity was not coming. Nowhere felt right to go. Nothing felt like it was what I wanted to be doing.
I took a breath. A visual came to me.
I ran back into the store and got a bottle of water. This time that I got in the car I knew exactly where I was heading.
I pulled into the parking lot by a lake where I’ve come before to unwind.
Okay, I was here. Now what?
A girl jogged by with her cute little dog on a leash.
“It’s so nice out, I should walk around the lake. Ah, but I don’t have the right shoes,” I thought to myself. “Besides, I have to get this done and go home to do work.”
Sitting in the driver’s seat of the car, I turned on my laptop and tried revising and building one of my earlier blog posts. I was sure if I could just get inspired and type quickly I’d have enough battery power.
Unfortunately, the words didn’t come fast enough. As I tried to ‘save’ a draft of something I wasn’t crazy about but was glad it was something, the computer screen went blank.
I stared at the screen. Then I sat there and stared out at the lake through the windshield. That was it.
I whipped out the clogs I mentioned earlier that I’d brought and put them on. I picked up my phone, then tossed it back into my purse on the floor. I locked up the car and took off for a walk around the lake.
At one point I stopped in the shade. I closed my eyes and took several breaths and tried to think–what really was the problem? I have so much to do, and very little time left before I leave.
I opened my eyes and before I’d taken no more than a couple of steps along the trail it occurred to me. I paused again for a moment.
There is no problem!
Ever see The American President? President Andrew Sheppard (Michael Douglas) in his big speech at the end says, “I was so busy trying to keep my job, I forgot to do my job.”
I was so busy thinking about doing work, that I wasn’t allowing myself to simply be.
On that walk around the lake I was aware that regardless how most of the day went, I was never really exasperated. I could honestly say that much of the anxiety about leaving has turned to excitement about going and being.
Yes, I’ll be working hard. And some days will be more challenging than others. But no matter where I would live and what I would do there are challenges. If there is one thing I’ve learned at my age (yes, I just said that!) is that a lot of people work hard. And many of them are working hard at jobs they resent or in the least find unfulfilling. They might even feel these jobs prevent them from feeling like themselves. But, they are in the responsible state of working. I’ve been there.
What I appreciated about my realization is that it isn’t a huge explosion of fireworks of excitement as though I have to jump and scream to the extreme. It is subtle, genuine. The natural next step in my life.
Sure, I’ll need to make do at times, like wearing clogs on a dirt trail. And of course I’ll sell what I can to earn a few bucks over the next couple of weeks. But really, is there any amount of money that would be enough? Doesn’t matter.
I’m going to Los Angeles to be. And that feels very comfortable.